I don’t wake up and look for your words, your ping, your voice.
You did it.
You pushed me far enough out of the envelope of you, that I don’t keep any hope, not a drop drying on the glass.
I don’t look for you.
I’m sad to admit my freezing, but this is your doing and I tried everything to stop it.
Are you happy now? Are you?
Moss beach was the last happy time with you.
Was it even real?
See…..you have made me question even my memory of happiness.
Never worked so hard to end up this lost.
Why is this so fucking easy for you? After 5 years it’s just crumbs dusted off your lap.
I fight the urge every time I pick up my phone. Don’t call! DO NOT TEXT. Do not email. DO NOT send him something that you saw that will make him laugh cause it’s an inside joke the two of you have had for years.
I have no means of checking in on you in any way. I just have to be shut out completely void of any kind of moment of you.
I’m not sleeping. I’ve been sick all week on top of the shit. The work situation is still horrible and now I find out I have to figure out my living situation by July which really involves my work situation as well and on top of all that I can’t fucking talk to the one person that I confided in practically every day.
To really seal the deal I am left wondering how you just turn off. How the man you have given to me for the last five years up until a week ago just turns out the lights and walks away.
If you were trying to show me my worth to you, then you have achieved success. I realize now it’s below zero, no matter what you have said.
I don’t understand why you picked me back up last summer. I don’t know how you could be so needlessly cruel. It’s not that I don’t understand human behavior, I don’t understand YOUR behavior towards me.
Why do I have to end? Why am I the casualty of something I desperately wanted to work out for you even if it meant losing you.
How do you scoff and shake your head when someone treats me cruely and yet turn around and decide “I’m” over? How did you decide you just don’t need me anymore, with a meeting and a post and I am useless and used up.
And yet I still want to hear your voice, see you smile, make you laugh, have you lay your head in my lap. I still miss my friend and everything else we were, and I hate myself for being that stupid.
I am just another stupid girl.
He is saying goodbye slowly this time. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. In fact it makes it more painful.
He will never love me. He will never ask me to be the one with him. He will lose me and he will be happy about it, no matter how much he states that he “doesn’t understand” why I am treated the way I am.
I want to ask him “well why do you do it?” But I can’t be cruel to him.
I made it so he could move onto someone else. I opened him back up to someone else stepping in where I wasn’t. I dug my own grave, I should just lie down and let them stomp the grass down.
I don’t want to exist anymore.
It’s never enough. I will never be enough. I can never do enough to get me there, in that space where he looks forward to me all the time. I will never fall into place.
I will never be a part of his wheelhouse. I will always be an afterthought. I will always be a memory. I will always be a chore.
I will never be someone he is excited over. I cannot do anything to make him actually act the way he says he feels about me, because it just isn’t true.
He doesn’t want the guilt of being the “bad guy”, he wants to not feel THAT more than he wants me. I will never be able to slide into that slot beside him, in his head, in his heart, in his arms….because HE DOESN’T WANT ME THERE.
I should have stayed dumped.