broken

Please Eternal Sunshine the last 5 years of my life

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Over myself, over my futility, and over my heartbreak.

I am just over the nothingness of what I am to him, to me, to all of this, this very world I live in.

I can’t take it.

I hate every tick of these sentences, every beat, every moment.

I hate every word that I write and nothing is getting better and I am in this very blank space, vast and empty, a sheet of white paper against a white wall.

I am too old to feel this.

I am too sensible to be here, in this state with my heart.

I am too aware to be this ridiculous.

Why??? Why did I let this happen? What should be remembered with a crooked smile on my face and glimmer in my eye, is instead so painful…my bones ache.

Going into radio silence.

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When in doubt, over-analyze everything.

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I sent out the faintest of distress calls to you yesterday.

I argued…no, I warred with myself on whether to stay in a state of silent need or to reach out albeit in a small and slow way.  My head filled with insults and shamed me for even wanting contact from you.

Things…life actually,  has been heaping itself upon my shoulders in massive bags laden with woeful bullshit that only first world complainers can identify with.  I am so small already and I see the ground getting closer and closer as this all this weighs on me, compressing me further.  Bad situations and unfortunate events have plagued me in relentless rounds before, but this spell has been lasting for months with no respite, and I don’t have you to talk to, I don’t have you to cry to, I don’t have you out there in the multiverse, even 5000+ miles away caring about me.  That fact alone collapses me further.

So when I saw a trinket that screamed you, I had to get it. I thought just carrying around this worthless little patch would give me the smallest bit of order.

I lasted a little over a week.

I knew as I wandered over from the birthday cards to the blank cards, that I was looking for one for you, and I wasn’t going to stop myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of NOT sharing this little whatnot with you, which ended up being the tiniest of overtures to put me in your thoughts, the very place I want to be, that I cannot claim residence at any more.

My weakness demonstrated by this furtive plea for your care, for your endearment is fucking ridiculous, makes me disgusted with my stupid heart even more than it was already. Ugh. Everything sucks right now and apparently I do too.

The mail has been dispatched, a little nothing inside with the scantest of words written in the emptiest of spaces, and now I wait.

Waiting to Drown

The tea is cold. And there is noting worse than cold tea that was supposed to be hot, and sooth your voice and warm your chest.  I am leaching out into the water and soon there will be nothing left but a useless bag…bitter and ugly, ready to be tossed into the bin. I can’t float, and every day I am more and more useless.

( http://m.favim.com/image/3977000/ )

Turning corners


I’m not searching for you anymore.

I don’t wake up and look for your words, your ping, your voice. 

You did it.

You pushed me far enough out of the envelope of you, that I don’t keep any hope, not a drop drying on the glass.

I don’t look for you.

I’m sad to admit my freezing, but this is your doing and I tried everything to stop it.

Are you happy now? Are you?

Moss beach was the last happy time with you.

Was it even real?

See…..you have made me question even my memory of happiness.