It was lovely to think you, 5000+ miles away actually cared about me. It put me on a quiet little plane of existence that shut out all the shit being said to me, about me… made me think, someone out in the void…saw me. Now I question if any of that was real, if I actually meant anything, if I mean anything. The want is leveling me.
I can’t pretend anymore.
I know how long it’s been and I should be so much farther from this than I am.
I am not.
I am nowhere near okay. I am nowhere near happy again.
I miss him every morning when I wake up and there is nothing.
I see him in every bed, in every bath, in every lone cabin surrounded by snow topped trees. I hear him in every synth and bass note. I can’t just sit here and pretend I am fine again. I am not fine.
I am not getting over it. I want my friend back. I hate that I can’t know how his life is going or what is happening at work or with the kids. I hate myself for wanting that, wanting to know about him when he clearly doesn’t want to know about me anymore.
I hate how I was replaced so quickly. I hate that I can’t post anything anymore, because I don’t know who I am there, not now, not when he doesn’t have my back anymore. I have been secluded there as well, put with the masses, unimportant and faceless.
The man that once wanted to be president of the company that makes me happy, now is careless with me, and I can’t reciprocate that. That would be a true lie, to act as if my heart doesn’t want him.
I am human wreckage.
I can’t be this person.
I can’t be this person, it hurts too much. It’s too much to bear.
The deck is always stacked against me.
I’m not in a good place and it’s only getting worse and I’m wanting what I can NEVER have, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much of myself I give up.
First world problems can kill you too.
Today is just burning a gaping hole in me. I am worn out, I am weak, I am on the tip top edge of a collapse. I need, and I can’t get. I miss you so much…
This morning on Spotify all songs lead to this:
- Oh, what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you.
- Let me get what I want, Lord knows it would be the first time
- To be alone with you, To be alone with you
They keep playing and it all skips down the road to you.