This time

He is saying goodbye slowly this time. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. In fact it makes it more painful. 

He will never love me.  He will never ask me to be the one with him. He will lose me and he will be happy about it, no matter how much he states that he “doesn’t understand” why I am treated the way I am.

I want to ask him “well why do you do it?” But I can’t be cruel to him.

I made it so he could move onto someone else. I opened him back up to someone else stepping in where I wasn’t. I dug my own grave, I should just lie down and let them stomp the grass down. 

I don’t want to exist anymore.

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Conclusions

It’s never enough. I will never be enough. I can never do enough to get me there, in that space where he looks forward to me all the time. I will never fall into place.

 I will never be a part of his wheelhouse. I will always be an afterthought. I will always be a memory. I will always be a chore. 

I will never be someone he is excited over. I cannot do anything to make him actually act the way he says he feels about me, because it just isn’t true. 

He doesn’t want the guilt of being the “bad guy”, he wants to not feel THAT more than he wants me. I will never be able to slide into that slot beside him, in his head, in his heart, in his arms….because HE DOESN’T WANT ME THERE. 

I should have stayed dumped.

How to Stop?

I can’t pretend anymore.

I know how long it’s been and I should be so much farther from this than I am.

I am not.

I am nowhere near okay. I am nowhere near happy again.

I miss him every morning when I wake up and there is nothing.

I see him in every bed, in every bath, in every lone cabin surrounded by snow topped trees. I hear him in every synth and bass note.  I can’t just sit here and pretend I am fine again. I am not fine.

I am not getting over it. I want my friend back. I hate that I can’t know how his life is going or what is happening at work or with the kids. I hate myself for wanting that, wanting to know about him when he clearly doesn’t want to know about me anymore.

I hate how I was replaced so quickly. I hate that I can’t post anything anymore, because I don’t know who I am there, not now, not when he doesn’t have my back anymore.  I have been secluded there as well, put with the masses, unimportant and faceless.

The man that once wanted to be president of the company that makes me happy, now is careless with me, and I can’t reciprocate that.  That would be a true lie, to act as if my heart doesn’t want him.

I am human wreckage.