broken

Please Eternal Sunshine the last 5 years of my life

fallout-please-stand-by

Over myself, over my futility, and over my heartbreak.

I am just over the nothingness of what I am to him, to me, to all of this, this very world I live in.

I can’t take it.

I hate every tick of these sentences, every beat, every moment.

I hate every word that I write and nothing is getting better and I am in this very blank space, vast and empty, a sheet of white paper against a white wall.

I am too old to feel this.

I am too sensible to be here, in this state with my heart.

I am too aware to be this ridiculous.

Why??? Why did I let this happen? What should be remembered with a crooked smile on my face and glimmer in my eye, is instead so painful…my bones ache.

Going into radio silence.

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Waiting to Drown

The tea is cold. And there is noting worse than cold tea that was supposed to be hot, and sooth your voice and warm your chest.  I am leaching out into the water and soon there will be nothing left but a useless bag…bitter and ugly, ready to be tossed into the bin. I can’t float, and every day I am more and more useless.

( http://m.favim.com/image/3977000/ )

Turning corners


I’m not searching for you anymore.

I don’t wake up and look for your words, your ping, your voice. 

You did it.

You pushed me far enough out of the envelope of you, that I don’t keep any hope, not a drop drying on the glass.

I don’t look for you.

I’m sad to admit my freezing, but this is your doing and I tried everything to stop it.

Are you happy now? Are you?

Moss beach was the last happy time with you.

Was it even real?

See…..you have made me question even my memory of happiness.

It’s only been 5 days…

Why is this so fucking easy for you? After 5 years it’s just crumbs dusted off your lap. 

I fight the urge every time I pick up my phone. Don’t call! DO NOT TEXT. Do not email. DO NOT send him something that you saw that will make him laugh cause it’s an inside joke the two of you have had for years.

I have no means of checking in on you in any way. I just have to be shut out completely void of any kind of moment of you.

I’m not sleeping. I’ve been sick all week on top of the shit. The work situation is still horrible and now I find out I have to figure out my living situation by July which really involves my work situation as well and on top of all that I can’t fucking talk to the one person that I confided in practically every day.

To really seal the deal I am left wondering how you just turn off. How the man you have given to me for the last five years up until a week ago just turns out the lights and walks away. 

If you were trying to show me my worth to you, then you have achieved success. I realize now it’s below zero, no matter what you have said. 

I don’t understand why you picked me back up last summer. I don’t know how you could be so  needlessly cruel. It’s not that I don’t understand human behavior, I don’t understand YOUR behavior towards me. 

Why do I have to end? Why am I the casualty of something I desperately wanted to work out for you even if it meant losing you. 

How do you scoff and shake your head when someone treats me cruely and yet turn around and decide “I’m” over? How did you decide you just don’t need me anymore, with a meeting and a post and I am useless and used up.

And yet I still want to hear your voice, see you smile, make you laugh, have you lay your head in my lap. I still miss my friend and everything else we were, and I hate myself for being that stupid. 

I am just another stupid girl.

Fading

I can’t believe I let this happen to me again.

I can’t believe at this age, and after EVERY thing I have gone through, I am still so stupid.

I hate having a heart that emotionally connects to you.

I hate feeling concern and tenderness,  I wish I was a sociopath.

I hate not knowing where I stand with you.

I hate myself for not giving up on this.

I hate that I care this much and I can’t just turn it off.

Our picture is getting fuzzy and the light is fading.

I hate that we aren’t on the same page, and probably never will be.

I hate that writing that sentence makes me cry.

I hate missing you more then you miss me.