stupid girl

Excuse me??

Really fancied it…..quite a lot.

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It’s only been 5 days…

Why is this so fucking easy for you? After 5 years it’s just crumbs dusted off your lap. 

I fight the urge every time I pick up my phone. Don’t call! DO NOT TEXT. Do not email. DO NOT send him something that you saw that will make him laugh cause it’s an inside joke the two of you have had for years.

I have no means of checking in on you in any way. I just have to be shut out completely void of any kind of moment of you.

I’m not sleeping. I’ve been sick all week on top of the shit. The work situation is still horrible and now I find out I have to figure out my living situation by July which really involves my work situation as well and on top of all that I can’t fucking talk to the one person that I confided in practically every day.

To really seal the deal I am left wondering how you just turn off. How the man you have given to me for the last five years up until a week ago just turns out the lights and walks away. 

If you were trying to show me my worth to you, then you have achieved success. I realize now it’s below zero, no matter what you have said. 

I don’t understand why you picked me back up last summer. I don’t know how you could be so  needlessly cruel. It’s not that I don’t understand human behavior, I don’t understand YOUR behavior towards me. 

Why do I have to end? Why am I the casualty of something I desperately wanted to work out for you even if it meant losing you. 

How do you scoff and shake your head when someone treats me cruely and yet turn around and decide “I’m” over? How did you decide you just don’t need me anymore, with a meeting and a post and I am useless and used up.

And yet I still want to hear your voice, see you smile, make you laugh, have you lay your head in my lap. I still miss my friend and everything else we were, and I hate myself for being that stupid. 

I am just another stupid girl.

Conclusions

It’s never enough. I will never be enough. I can never do enough to get me there, in that space where he looks forward to me all the time. I will never fall into place.

 I will never be a part of his wheelhouse. I will always be an afterthought. I will always be a memory. I will always be a chore. 

I will never be someone he is excited over. I cannot do anything to make him actually act the way he says he feels about me, because it just isn’t true. 

He doesn’t want the guilt of being the “bad guy”, he wants to not feel THAT more than he wants me. I will never be able to slide into that slot beside him, in his head, in his heart, in his arms….because HE DOESN’T WANT ME THERE. 

I should have stayed dumped.

Impossible

You can’t undo the harm you have caused. You don’t even realize it. You don’t see it at all. I’m so stupid.
When will it end? When will I stop being so damn stupid? Fuck you for being someone so easily cared about and fuck you for being able to just toss me around to fit your needs, and fuck me for letting you.
Now I can’t do anything about it. I’m too far gone, and no matter what direction this takes, I’m going to get eviscerated, and this time I don’t think I’m ever going to be whole again.

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