worthless

Please Eternal Sunshine the last 5 years of my life

fallout-please-stand-by

Over myself, over my futility, and over my heartbreak.

I am just over the nothingness of what I am to him, to me, to all of this, this very world I live in.

I can’t take it.

I hate every tick of these sentences, every beat, every moment.

I hate every word that I write and nothing is getting better and I am in this very blank space, vast and empty, a sheet of white paper against a white wall.

I am too old to feel this.

I am too sensible to be here, in this state with my heart.

I am too aware to be this ridiculous.

Why??? Why did I let this happen? What should be remembered with a crooked smile on my face and glimmer in my eye, is instead so painful…my bones ache.

Going into radio silence.

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Waiting to Drown

The tea is cold. And there is noting worse than cold tea that was supposed to be hot, and sooth your voice and warm your chest.  I am leaching out into the water and soon there will be nothing left but a useless bag…bitter and ugly, ready to be tossed into the bin. I can’t float, and every day I am more and more useless.

( http://m.favim.com/image/3977000/ )

Conclusions

It’s never enough. I will never be enough. I can never do enough to get me there, in that space where he looks forward to me all the time. I will never fall into place.

 I will never be a part of his wheelhouse. I will always be an afterthought. I will always be a memory. I will always be a chore. 

I will never be someone he is excited over. I cannot do anything to make him actually act the way he says he feels about me, because it just isn’t true. 

He doesn’t want the guilt of being the “bad guy”, he wants to not feel THAT more than he wants me. I will never be able to slide into that slot beside him, in his head, in his heart, in his arms….because HE DOESN’T WANT ME THERE. 

I should have stayed dumped.